Once Upon A Lime
by SatusDee
Summary: A Collection of short stories made by myself and friends. Not to be taken seriously. R&R. Rating due to suggestions of death, sodomy, drugs and lunacy


**Once Upon A Lime…**

**A/N:** Bonjourno once again. The following pieces are a series of short stories written by me and my close companions. They are all designed to be highly nonsensical so please enjoy. And also note that not one of us claim to be the owners of the characters presented. That is the honour of JKR herself. SD.

**A Short Story… By Darklightheartagram**

Once upon a lime, in the magical land of Hogwarts, Harry was hungry. So he went to the magic fridge in the Gryffindor Common Room. He was appalled to find nothing but frog's legs and chocolate covered flies. Harry sighed, grabbed his coat and broom and left for the exit. He flew to Sainsburys and took out some Muggle money from the Muggle bank. He bought marshmallows, bananas, chcolate, biscuits, brocoli, beetroot, chciken, soya, milkshake, milk, apples, lentils and soup. He bought all the food (it cost £19.79). He flew home to Hogwarts, ate the food and got fat.

The End

**A Longer Story… By The Pigeon Pretender**

Once upon a lime… we start in Hagrid's Grotto, just round the corner from Barry Mannilow's villa. He sat there in a chair made from rabid animal's bones and looked at the calender.

"It's the 30th of Feptembuary" he sighed "Tomorrow will be the 31st and I shall become even more of a monster!" He sobbed for the rest of the night and fell asleep in a pool of his own blood, sweat, tears and urine.

Dumbledore awoke with a start, sweat dripping from his brow. He got up and got dressed while a giant duck got itself lodged in the wall behind him. Suddenly, the duck morphed into a dark shadow, snuck up behind Dumbledore and bit his face off.

"Oh no! I have no face" cried Dumbledore and then span around a bit and spontaneously combusted.

The shadow crept around the building, laying C4 explosives everywhere. It sat by the plunger on the edge of the forest surrounded by centaurs and pressed it in. The castle exploded and a giant killer pony appeared in it's place.

"Crikey!" thought Hagrid, and he stood with the unicorns and danced until dawn.

The End

** A Shorter Story… By EmpressIncognito**

Once upon a lime, in HarryPotterWorld, Harry had many classes in all of his magical subjects and was given lots of homework from all of the subjects he missed while in the hospital wing, just after Dumbledore conveniently saved him just after he fainted. Aside from that everything was considerably normal and nothing happened. But Hermione and Ron are still madly in love with each other and still won't talk to each other.

The End

**A Slightly Longer Story… By Smurflover123**

Once upon a lime, Hagrid was in Dumbledore's office, hunting bugs of some mythical sort that the writer cannot be bothered to name inaccordance with the "novel". Suddenly! Dumbledore entered the room with a massive acorn between his fingers.

Hagrid, suave as ever, whispered "Let me help you with that" There was a spark of electricity between their hands… their heads tilted and eyes went glassy. Hagrid pursed his lips…

"**HAGRID!"** exclaimed Dumbledore.

He shot Hagrid and used the skin off his back as a carpet, a bit like those lion skins you get in posh 1930's films. It was quite superb and was sold on Ebay 3 years later through Paypal. Booooo!

The End

**Another Short Story… By SatusDee**

One day (lime), Harry was walking along with his friends when suddenly they all broke the 4th wall.

"Why are you watching us all the time?" asked Hermione

("I heard it gets made into some sort of fiction" mumbled Neville, but no-one listens to him. Ron was eating, Ginny was being the fiercely independent female role and Luna was probably stoned)

"Do you know how many times I've been buggered by Malfoy thanks to you pervs?" Harry (and possibly Ginny, Hermione, Luna, Ron OR Neville, dependant on what twisted fanfic you read) cried.

They all fell over and sobbed madly, Hermione simultaneously reading Hogwarts: A History.

"You can't apparate in Hogwarts" she cried plaintively. Then Malfoy showed up, his trousers already loosened.

"Hello Harry". Harry went white.

The End of all ends. In fact… 

**FIN.**


End file.
